Punishment or Discipline?

Growing up, many of us learn to do what a parent suggests or pay the consequences. While this did work for most in the days of yore, the consequences were easier to enforce "way back when" because like it or not, today's generation is different. Because the situation changes, the way to handle it also needs to change. The typical parent has less time to spend with the children, but this doesn't mean parents have no control, it just means we need to get it differently.

Punishment Seldom Works

Read the following statements and recognize why it is wrongly stated:

 "Don't come out of that room until it's clean!"
 "You are not playing until that homework is done!"
 "You have to share."
 "Answer me! I can't hear your brains rattle."
 "If you won't do dishes, you won't be eating."
 "(cursing), what do you expect?"

Not allowing our children to come out of the room until it's clean is just as lazy for the parent as it is for the child. This means we don't have to deal our child for a while, which allows us to put off the responsibility of discipline. Meanwhile, the youngster is coloring, reading, or whatever else to fill the void of responsibility. In the long run, the room never gets clean.

Children not being able to play until homework is complete merely increases their feelings of being lonely and misunderstood. This isn't to say that when there is homework, our children should be playing; it simply means it should not be a punishment.

Trying to explain to a child that they have to share is ridiculous and comes out that way before the last syllable hits the air. No one has to share it's only an option, and unless an "enforcer" is present at all times sharing should never be under duress, stated or otherwise.

Ridiculing or belittling a child is the last thing we want to do when we want respect. Respect and Fear are two different things. We don't want our children to do something because they fear the outcome, but because it's the right thing and the consequences will be just. Besides, having them learn the correct outcome is better because we won't always be there to be a referee.

Ever heard that two wrong actions don't make a right one? If not, perfect time to learn! Punishing a child by not allowing him or her to eat is a cruel and bullying punishment, not parenting. All this does is establish an Alpha hierarchy that the children already know. Besides, what if they never do the dishes? Is the child really going to starve to death, or is the punishment an insincere promise? We know from experience that when we do not follow through, our children become confused, not knowing to trust the outcome. This gives the illusion of possibly being able to get away with it next time, which also makes the action more difficult to manage for parents.

Anything that cannot be printed for a bishop, congressman, or a boss to read should be embarrassing for anyone to hear, especially a child. When we quickly close our eyes and try to remember what we've seen we recall significantly less than what we hear. And when inappropriate language is present for a child to learn, trust they will learn it. They may not use it in front of a parent but guarantee they are using it elsewhere, eventually within earshot of a priest, teacher, neighbor, close friend, etc.

Discipline that does Work

Read the correct response and imagine the outcome:

 "Would you rather clean your room tonight or get up an hour earlier until it's done?"
 Take some time out of your day to make sure your child understands the homework assignment. Ensure your child knows you are available to help, besides this could be a great review for you.
 "You have a large candy bar and she has none, why don't you share? Perhaps she will share with you next time!"
 "You should never do something you cannot admit to doing later, even if it was an error. Let's talk about this and figure out a solution together."
 "No dishes, no computer or television."
 If cursing is an issue, go alone and count to ten (a little time-out for yourself) and say the intended statement to a mirror, anticipating the response you would give if the roles were reversed.

The changes we face as parents is that now we need to learn to give control through choices. If we take those choices away, we are throwing the reigns and may have a difficult time trying to recoup the trust we have worked so hard to acquire in the first place. We all know we cannot retract spoken words, just as we know that hearing the same phrase repeatedly plugs a subconscious message into a person's psyche, be it positive or negative. The best choice we can make as parents is to allow our children to make their own choices and reap the consequences of that choice. These lessons will remain.