Teach your Children to Respect Themselves

As young children emerge, they are typically taught to respect and obey their elders, but there is a fine line between when they should let that go to simply respect themselves. Children should not be taught to "always do what an adult tells them," but to consider what an adult says. This should be followed by visualizing the consequences and making an informed decision--adults are not always trustworthy and to teach a child this untruth is abusive. According to Oprah, about 90% of molested children know their victims, although the numbers discovered say the number is a bit higher. This statistic should scare every commonsense parent in our country, keeping in mind that this number only stipulates the ones caught, which are a small percentage.

One source states, "Offenders report that when they touch a child, most (60%) of the victims are boys. In contrast, 99% of individuals who window-peep or expose themselves do so against girls. 95% of known Pedophiles are heterosexual and 50% have consumed alcohol to excess at the time of the incident. A significant number of Pedophiles simultaneously, or have previously been, involved in genital exposure (Exhibitionism), peeping (Voyeurism), or rape."

When an adult asks or commands a child to do something that creates discomfort or doubt, the child should have been instructed previously to discuss it with a parent or whoever is responsible for her--no matter what. Instruct the children when in doubt it's okay to be unsure about something. It's alright to tell the person asking or commanding them to do it they intend on asking her parent first. If the person begs, threatens, or puts down the child for wanting to ask a parent, the child should be made to know this is a sign that clarifies the importance of telling an adult right away.

Sure there is controversy about whether pedophilia is an inborn deformity, whether it is something introduced to the predator, or whether or not they can help themselves. This is not a parent's concern to figure out. Regardless of the reason, sexual abuse should not happen to your child and it is the parent's job to educate their children about this very real childhood and self-esteem killer.

My children have been told that when a stranger approaches them outside, they are to run into the house immediately and tell me. While this may seem a bit skittish, my children will probably live longer by losing a couple of minutes of playtime than a child who is afraid to bother her parent for fear of being reprimanded.

They are also instructed that no one can touch them inappropriately, and we've discussed those areas. What does "inappropriately" mean? ANYTHING to do with areas your culture signifies as private, and any additional areas making the child uncomfortable. If the child doesn't feel like kissing grandma or grandpa good-bye, there may be a reason and there may not be. However, in teaching a child to ignore her instincts is a great way to set her up for a regretful future. Instincts are nature's way of alerting people to trouble and the more they are ignored, the more desensitized the children will become.

Respect can go a long way. Sure, children should be respectful to certain figures as a general rule be it teachers, policemen, reverends, instructors, friends, or relatives. But the first concern as a parent is to teach your children to respect themselves by following their instincts.

Oprah, 4 Things to Know about Child Molestation, (2010) http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/4-Things-to-Know-About-Child-Molestation

The Crisis Connection, (2012) http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/sexualassault/pedophilia_and_molestation.htm

The Daily Beast, What Science Reveals about Pedophilia, (2011) http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/12/06/what-science-reveals-about-pedophilia.html

Teach your Child to Create Happiness

"What makes you happy?" Have you ever thought of this? Nothing can make you happy unless you have already decided it to be the crux of your happiness. Take children from small villages who live in what most Americans would consider a hovel, and often they will be displaying smiles, despite the conditions. Are they truly happy?

This year, our family is struggling even more than years in the past, but we had our holiday early. Because of being financially disabled, each of us purchased one gift for each other, meaning we each received two gifts because there are three of us. My ten-year-old took his kid sister ice-skating for the first time, and she fell in love with the sport. This "gift" has changed her life forever, because now all she talks about is ice-skating.

My first-grade daughter earned what is referred to as "behavior points" at school, over a period, to earn a large T-shirt for me. While I could have given her money to purchase a gift for me, the shirt means so much more to both she and me than a trip to the store could have produced.

You see, it isn't the wrapping of the package, as much as its delivery. It isn't what's inside the box, as much as the effort to get it there. Don't misunderstand, there will always be that one toy a kid receives to show off to their friends. But I can guarantee, the gift will be no more loved than a positive life-altering experience that allows them to create their own happiness.

According to my children, this is the best Christmas ever, and I agree. It's also the most enlightening.

Photo: India Children, harrybeckkolhoff@ymail.com, Yahoo Inc., 2012

Teach your Child about a Family Christmas

Have you been naughty or nice? Are you going to get what is on your Christmas list? This year is different for most of us, as money is tighter than other years. Most children don't understand the stress of burdened incomes when it comes to Christmas. So what can we do as parents to bring the family closer together and make this year even more memorable than the other, high cost, years?

"Be together!" No, not sit together and watch Christmas programs, although that is fun sometimes. But do something you haven't done before. After all, different just means we put a new spin on excitement! For example, at our house this year we decided together the Christmas words that are special to us and created a "wordle" to hang on the wall by our door, as a reminder of what Christmas means to us. The more times you put a word in, the bigger it is and there are many arrangements and colors you can use to make your own.

Another activity that we did was create snowflakes out of paper to hang around the ceiling in the living room. My six-year-old had never made snowflakes before and it was a learning experience that we enjoyed. Plus, in addition to the conversation we had as a family, we will have a memory the whole season long of working together to create something beautiful!

The night before we open our gifts, we will sit and drink hot chocolate and recant all of the positive stories we have participated in, not to brag, but to remind us of our ability to give and share with others. We will read Jack Canfield's "Chicken Soup for the Soul," and I will proudly wear the shirt my six-year-old earned with saved up behavior points at school. I can already feel the wide smile on my face. Our family will be giving each other one singular gift, but I guarantee this will be our best Christmas ever!

Do you have any ideas of creative ways to celebrate Christmas or any new traditions you care to share? Is it possible to have a close holiday without spending a lot of money? What are some "no cost" ideas you have to celebrate?

Teach your Child to Think by Example

"Do as I say and not as I do!" Is this familiar? How many times do we see people do things while they demand something different? A terrific example of this is Kevin Clash who is under scrutiny after allegations of seducing four teenage boys. The reason this story is so shocking is because he has children of his own, as seen on "Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey" (Netflix, 2012) and has portrayed Sesame Street's Elmo for 28 years before resigning last month. (Fox News, 2012) Imagine the impact on children when they eventually hear of this information of a child predator being someone they idolize.

Many of our parents were famous for doing what they tell us is harmful, as well as the reason, "Because I said so." The cold harsh reality is that even without words, our children pick up on more of what we do and say than we realize. This came to my attention when my first-grader approached me yesterday with what she refers to as an "opportunity for me to allow her to purchase candy from school." Why is this an opportunity for me? Obviously she has picked up on certain skills in listening to me speak, while I motivate my children's actions with phrases such as this.

One of my personal idols, Martin Scorsese says, "If one wants to reach younger people at an earlier age to shape their minds in a critical way, you really need to know how ideas and emotions are expressed visually." He's correct, you know. Children will copy someone 80% of the time, if they feel it will get them what they want, despite throwing words at them to do otherwise. Concerning this, actions certainly do speak a lot louder than words. Showing by example is by the far the most impacting method to teaching.

Teach Your Child to Think, Love, and Live by Listening

More often than not, your child will reflect more of what she thinks than what someone tells her. For example, the first book of a series I've been working on in "Hazards of Eris" is complete. In thinking of promotions, shirts, cups, and mouse pads created for a drawing at a presentation of the book, I speak on the phone to my sister about it. Overhearing the conversation, my six-year-old comes up with an idea of her own! A fantastic idea!

Everyone has a different way of raising a child, and some are "rulers" while others tend to "pamper" or "teach." The cold, hard reality is that whichever method you use, it's playing a part in your child's perception, whether she copies what you do or heads in the opposite direction. When you take the time to discuss challenging critical thinking skills with your child, you will undoubtedly get results. Those results may not be visible when you request them, but they will emerge. However, instilling this process is not something that happens overnight. Time and patience need to nurture this skill, but it is definitely worth the dedication, not unlike planting a garden have having to wait for the results.

What is the idea my little girl came up with? Her suggestion (which, by the way, costs a heck of a lot less costly than the baubles I've purchased) is simply to have the drawing be a character. In other words, whoever wins the drawing gets to name and give traits to a character in my next "Hazards of Eris" series book. This way they can make up their own character to be a friend of Eris in her story. Not something a typical first grader is likely to consider in my book.

Never think something is impossible, especially when allowing the input of fresh minds because they don't have the mental blocks adults have when considering reality. Also remember to have open discussions on appropriate subjects because you might just get a surprise!

How to Win Disagreements with your Child and come out Clean!

When you have conversations with your child are you playing a game of rugby or participating in a rowing race? One causes opposition with bantering back and forth and eventually one side or the other wins (and sometimes the win isn't so fortuitous). The other game, both players end up winning and accomplishing this at a much higher and faster level than if doing it alone. This is the colossal difference the use of words can make for you and your child during a disagreement. Plus, solving issues in a calm manner makes for great learning lessons for your little one.

Some parents tell the kids what to do and then start counting. When they hit three, you will not want to be the culprit causing the alarm. The old "Do it now!" doesn't work well until business gets right down to it. The problem with this is that a parent should never have to continuously count to get a reaction from the kids, otherwise they won't do anything but count. Of course, each time they count they become more and more angry until eventually the patience wears excruciatingly thin. By then, the child receives punishment or the parent becomes a liar, senselessly. Either of these equals a bad outcome.

Instead of "laying down the law" children need to feel as if they are guiding their own destinies, and in a sense they truly are! By telling children what they can expect when they are responsible gives them realistic expectations of reward, even if the reward isn't that big of a deal. Something like "Feel free to call you friend as soon as you take out the garbage." You can bet that garbage will be out the door and to the curb before you turn back around, especially when you do this enough times. Just like the former example this becomes a habit for you, but subconsciously the child ends up determining that putting up a fuss is a waste of time. Realization tells them that giving you your way allows them more choices and more time to do things they enjoy.

When you find yourself in a tug-o-war with words you may feel it necessary to remind them of whom they are speaking to, this is bad. "You don't talk to me that way!" is probably something your children should already know. And telling them now won't make that big of an impact. What this will do is cause harsh feelings where the child will either slink away feeling dejected, or the negative energy could mount to epic proportions. Either way, it isn't a good thing.

Something that will undoubtedly work wonders is working together to participate in a cooperative manner. If the child begins to argue, tell him/her you'll be glad to discuss it with them as soon as the arguing stops and voices come down to speaking tones. At this time, you will need to follow the same guidelines as the ones you have set. When the discussion is mutual, you can see each other's standpoint clearly. When you are on the same side of the fence, looking over, it's a lot easier to see the other's position to understand where you each are coming from.

When parents have spent their last mental dollar patience may be difficult to find, so saying something like "I'm not going to tell you again to pick this up," will not work. Because, surprise, you just did. So instead of expressing what you aren't going to do, you need to think of a choice that can go along with your desired request. (Remember, it's always better to tell them what you will do or what will happen because it plants a positive, subconscious seed.) When a child refuses to eat something prepared for dinner he/she can have a choice to eat their meal at mealtime, or see if the next meal has more appeal. Giving in and allowing frozen pizza while the rest of the family eats the home cooked meal is ridiculous! This is giving an allowance for bad behavior. Soon a McDonald's may as well set up in your kitchen and you can punch the clock, because everyone else will follow suit.

It's clear to see how working together resolves sticky situation faster and stronger than arguing does, and working together will actually increase your bond even more. It's evident that solving an issue is a much faster and stable way than exchanging words or punishments can ever do. So it is true, you can be the good guy and still win the battle!

Allow Learning through Failure

Part of teaching your child to think, love, and live is allowing them to make choices, sometimes choices you know are going to be painful. No, this isn't about allowing your child to have an all-night party on a school night with alcohol! But within reason, this is the period where your child learns to deal with consequences.

One mother, homeschooling her child because he has social anxiety and concentration issues, runs into the issue of allowing failure. Online, there are teachers representing different subjects with explanations and assistance, but only a couple of times a day. Staying motivated and focused is an issue for her fifth-grade son.

At first, she sees him performing a hand puppet show in front of the computer while he quietly sings each hand's role in some imaginative skit. Looking at the screen, she deduces he has an assignment in his math book that has yet to start. "What are you doing?" she asks, to which he explains he doesn't understand the concept. Trading him places, she allows him to watch over her shoulder while she works out a couple of problems and then allows him to do the same. It takes a while, but the assignment is complete. Soon, she realizes this is an everyday occurrence. What is the issue? He's learning that reading directions and understanding them is unnecessary because his mother will do that for him every time. We all know that in order to be responsible, understanding the lessons are necessary.

Many times you may use rationalization to help figure out the weight of the consequences, and come up short-handed. This will cause you to continue to steer him/her away from the hurdles this time and come across them when no one is around to help.

Here are some examples you may be familiar with:

• I can't allow him/her outside with a coat! Who gets stuck footing the doctor bill?

• I can't allow him/her to eat so much candy when teeth are not being brushed! Who pays for the dentist?

• If I allow my child to leave the house unattended, who gets stuck searching for him/her?

• If I don't play referee between my child and the teacher, I'll get calls at home for misconduct or he/she may receive a failing grade!

• If I don't interfere in the sibling's argument, I will have to listen to the bickering or worse, someone could actually get hurt!

Parents know that our society has rules which need following and not abiding by them may have serious consequences. However, small choices help prepare your child for the real world. Parents who insist on interfering need to realize there are rules that adults resent also, such as wearing motorcycle helmets or having to wear seatbelts. Granted, it is much safer to do so--no argument there--but does it really need to be law?

In a conversation with a graduating high school student, the young man states an argument he is having with his mother about which school he wants to go to for college. The school he really wants to attend is halfway across the country studying social sciences. His mother doesn't want him to be so far away and explains she'll be paying for his education the rest of her life; it's just too expensive! Besides, in her opinion, social work doesn't pay very well.

As adults, we all know that on the last note, she may be correct; social work isn't typically one of the higher paying jobs. But her son is emerging into adulthood and needs to be responsible for his decisions in his life. Otherwise, he will go to school and pay for an education that someone else thinks he should do. From then on, he can place his failures on the person who forces him to be a doctor, etc. How will that pan out when it comes time for grades? Probably not what his mother had hoped. All the money, and more importantly time, will never have a replacement. Besides, he's eighteen and will be responsible for the costs himself, unless he takes the initiative to research scholarships! The money should NOT be deciding factor for her.

A woman went to school to be a teacher because that is where society told her she would excel! The schools even give a discount for teacher programs, which is an added bonus, and who could think this would be bad? In going to school for four years, picking up on everything quickly and had no problem getting the grades necessary to come out on top. But when she enters the classroom she finds that in helping the children, her hands are tied on so many issues that she hates her job. One of the teachers even approaches her about hugging a child on the playground who is hurt, saying that physical contact may be misconstrued and is therefore forbidden. Not at all the job she wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to doing.

At age forty-six, she is finally returning to school to become what she feels she is made to be, that is a writer. Think of all the time behind her that she could have used if she had attended school toward her chosen career first place. In fact, due to her parents' continual meddling in her life, they decide she is too stubborn and "remove" her from the family. This isn't at all conducive to positive parenting.

In order to be a legitimate parent, you may set the bar and allow your child to know the dreams you have for their success but, in reality everyone is in search of his/her own place. Sharing your own failures may prove to be beneficial, as long as it isn't whining and there's a genuine lesson to learn.

When young people decide to share their dreams with you, there's a sense of trust, as well as a need for approval. Tainting the trust may end up causing a stall, a failing effort, or a complete degree in a field where they have no interest. Stand behind your students and allow them to live and learn. Who knows, perhaps you'll be the one learning in the end, but one thing for sure is that your love will strengthen!