One mother, homeschooling her child because he has social anxiety and concentration issues, runs into the issue of allowing failure. Online, there are teachers representing different subjects with explanations and assistance, but only a couple of times a day. Staying motivated and focused is an issue for her fifth-grade son.
At first, she sees him performing a hand puppet show in front of the computer while he quietly sings each hand's role in some imaginative skit. Looking at the screen, she deduces he has an assignment in his math book that has yet to start. "What are you doing?" she asks, to which he explains he doesn't understand the concept. Trading him places, she allows him to watch over her shoulder while she works out a couple of problems and then allows him to do the same. It takes a while, but the assignment is complete. Soon, she realizes this is an everyday occurrence. What is the issue? He's learning that reading directions and understanding them is unnecessary because his mother will do that for him every time. We all know that in order to be responsible, understanding the lessons are necessary.
Many times you may use rationalization to help figure out the weight of the consequences, and come up short-handed. This will cause you to continue to steer him/her away from the hurdles this time and come across them when no one is around to help.
Here are some examples you may be familiar with:
• I can't allow him/her outside with a coat! Who gets stuck footing the doctor bill?
• I can't allow him/her to eat so much candy when teeth are not being brushed! Who pays for the dentist?
• If I don't play referee between my child and the teacher, I'll get calls at home for misconduct or he/she may receive a failing grade!
• If I don't interfere in the sibling's argument, I will have to listen to the bickering or worse, someone could actually get hurt!
Parents know that our society has rules which need following and not abiding by them may have serious consequences. However, small choices help prepare your child for the real world. Parents who insist on interfering need to realize there are rules that adults resent also, such as wearing motorcycle helmets or having to wear seatbelts. Granted, it is much safer to do so--no argument there--but does it really need to be law?
In a conversation with a graduating high school student, the young man states an argument he is having with his mother about which school he wants to go to for college. The school he really wants to attend is halfway across the country studying social sciences. His mother doesn't want him to be so far away and explains she'll be paying for his education the rest of her life; it's just too expensive! Besides, in her opinion, social work doesn't pay very well.
As adults, we all know that on the last note, she may be correct; social work isn't typically one of the higher paying jobs. But her son is emerging into adulthood and needs to be responsible for his decisions in his life. Otherwise, he will go to school and pay for an education that someone else thinks he should do. From then on, he can place his failures on the person who forces him to be a doctor, etc. How will that pan out when it comes time for grades? Probably not what his mother had hoped. All the money, and more importantly time, will never have a replacement. Besides, he's eighteen and will be responsible for the costs himself, unless he takes the initiative to research scholarships! The money should NOT be deciding factor for her.
A woman went to school to be a teacher because that is where society told her she would excel! The schools even give a discount for teacher programs, which is an added bonus, and who could think this would be bad? In going to school for four years, picking up on everything quickly and had no problem getting the grades necessary to come out on top. But when she enters the classroom she finds that in helping the children, her hands are tied on so many issues that she hates her job. One of the teachers even approaches her about hugging a child on the playground who is hurt, saying that physical contact may be misconstrued and is therefore forbidden. Not at all the job she wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to doing.
At age forty-six, she is finally returning to school to become what she feels she is made to be, that is a writer. Think of all the time behind her that she could have used if she had attended school toward her chosen career first place. In fact, due to her parents' continual meddling in her life, they decide she is too stubborn and "remove" her from the family. This isn't at all conducive to positive parenting.
In order to be a legitimate parent, you may set the bar and allow your child to know the dreams you have for their success but, in reality everyone is in search of his/her own place. Sharing your own failures may prove to be beneficial, as long as it isn't whining and there's a genuine lesson to learn.
When young people decide to share their dreams with you, there's a sense of trust, as well as a need for approval. Tainting the trust may end up causing a stall, a failing effort, or a complete degree in a field where they have no interest. Stand behind your students and allow them to live and learn. Who knows, perhaps you'll be the one learning in the end, but one thing for sure is that your love will strengthen!
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