Teach your Child to Think, Love, and Live by being Responsible

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is to know where to draw the proverbial line. The trickiest part is that when you figure out where one child needs discipline and praise, another comes along with a different outlook. You may as well know that laying down varying rules doesn't work very well. Having children with opposite viewpoints is definitely a challenge!

Being a firm believer in positive reinforcement, because it works when used consistently, it can be deducted that giving choices is the ultimate responsibility, for the parent and the child. What's even better is that a little goes a long, long way.

Because a child makes a choice, a sense of empowerment may be evident, regardless of how large or infinitesimally small the option. Here's an example: A child stalls and uses up time by refusing to put on the clothes laid out for her, over and over again, no matter what is put out. When one outfit goes through the refusal process, the following outfit is also, and so on. One parent may think the tyke needs a spanking and forced to wear the clothing with a frown on her face, causing an ill-beginning to her day, as well as the parent's. But "there's more than one way to skin a cat," and some ways are quicker and cleaner than others are, with no residual negative effects.

Lay out only two outfits and allow her to choose which one she would like to wear before leaving the room. (If you linger, she will have control.) Go about your business allowing her to know when she has changed, she may have breakfast. If she chooses to stall, she will have to begin her day without breakfast. It's imperative you be consistent, packing her to school without eating. Once or twice should be the limit of having to endure this procedure before she realizes the choice only alters her day.

This is the beginning of a new freedom you will have, and a new step in responsibility for your child. You will find that in giving your child choices, the brain doesn't verify if it is an important choice or not, only the respect of wanting input. You can use this procedure for many things if you just let your mind be creative and give your child many choices throughout the day.

Now we come to responsibilities, which is also a choice. We have chores at our house and at first, it was extremely difficult because being single with two kids can be stressful. I cannot imagine having even more children, because quite frankly, having any without a system is insanity for everyone!

I suppose it was partially a sense of guilt, you know, not having two parents around must be hard for them. But how hard is it for me? As tough as I'd like to be, it still doesn't make it necessary. And adding all of the housework and duties doesn't make it any better, for the kids or me. Part of being a parent is teaching the kids to be responsible, not dependent. Otherwise, they'll never be brave enough to do it on their own.

Asking the kids if "they would mind helping" turned into a horrific game of whether they felt the praise of doing the task would outweigh what they were currently involved with. Obviously, a lot more hassle than just doing it myself. Again, they weren't learning anything positive.

Going through what I expect from them each day, I came up with about ten things each one could do on a given day. These projects range from dishes to brushing their teeth, and I wrote them all down. Then I decided to give them two options to choose from, but they had to agree with each other! They could choose to be paid .05 for each task they do, putting half the money into the bank and spending the other half. The second way is the opposite, by beginning with the funds and have them deduced for the chores they don't do! The total of both options ends up being about the same. But then I gave them a reason they would want to do the chores without procrastinating.

You see, Friday night is "Family Night" at our house and so the second option, the deductions happen like this: There are five colorful papers (each child a different color) placed in each Ziploc bowl, lid included, with each child's nickname on the front. (I feel this makes it friendlier.) The five papers inside of the bowls are color-coded for each child, one for each day during the week; two $1 papers, one candy bar, one soda, and one choice of movie. They can spend the money or save it for themselves. We also have a huge jar the kids usually choose to save it in for investing, but that's another chapter!

Given the choice, the kids finally agreed on the bowl idea, knowing when they neglect their chores for the day they lose a paper of their own drawing. The look on their faces the first time they had to draw their own reward to put it aside for a week was heartbreaking, but necessary. My daughter ran into the room and cried while my son begged for an opportunity to earn it back. I explained that in the real world when an opportunity is neglected it's gone, but the paper will be returned next week. Also, I wouldn't let them see what they drew until Friday when they "cash in." My son was crossing his fingers that it wasn't the dollar, but alas, he was let down. The paper with $1 scribbled on it was indeed, placed into the clear Jolly Roger jar. (If they cheat and peek, they will lose the entire week, so this is a fair gamble it will not happen.)

There is also a terrific and free way to follow the paid guidelines, if you decide you don't want to do the bowls. The first plan I described above can be found at www.myjobchart.com. I highly recommend it! I've somewhat combined them by printing off the list and keeping a record of them that way.

Our jobs as parents are not to be the police, neither is it our job to be a doormat, but to teach our children and prepare them for the real world with real responsibility. This is a sure-fire way to begin teaching children the value of working for rewards!