My first-grade daughter earned what is referred to as "behavior points" at school, over a period, to earn a large T-shirt for me. While I could have given her money to purchase a gift for me, the shirt means so much more to both she and me than a trip to the store could have produced.
According to my children, this is the best Christmas ever, and I agree. It's also the most enlightening.
Photo: India Children, harrybeckkolhoff@ymail.com, Yahoo Inc., 2012
"Be together!" No, not sit together and watch Christmas programs, although that is fun sometimes. But do something you haven't done before. After all, different just means we put a new spin on excitement! For example, at our house this year we decided together the Christmas words that are special to us and created a "wordle" to hang on the wall by our door, as a reminder of what Christmas means to us. The more times you put a word in, the bigger it is and there are many arrangements and colors you can use to make your own.
Another activity that we did was create snowflakes out of paper to hang around the ceiling in the living room. My six-year-old had never made snowflakes before and it was a learning experience that we enjoyed. Plus, in addition to the conversation we had as a family, we will have a memory the whole season long of working together to create something beautiful!
Do you have any ideas of creative ways to celebrate Christmas or any new traditions you care to share? Is it possible to have a close holiday without spending a lot of money? What are some "no cost" ideas you have to celebrate?
Many of our parents were famous for doing what they tell us is harmful, as well as the reason, "Because I said so." The cold harsh reality is that even without words, our children pick up on more of what we do and say than we realize. This came to my attention when my first-grader approached me yesterday with what she refers to as an "opportunity for me to allow her to purchase candy from school." Why is this an opportunity for me? Obviously she has picked up on certain skills in listening to me speak, while I motivate my children's actions with phrases such as this.
One of my personal idols, Martin Scorsese says, "If one wants to reach younger people at an earlier age to shape their minds in a critical way, you really need to know how ideas and emotions are expressed visually." He's correct, you know. Children will copy someone 80% of the time, if they feel it will get them what they want, despite throwing words at them to do otherwise. Concerning this, actions certainly do speak a lot louder than words. Showing by example is by the far the most impacting method to teaching.
Everyone has a different way of raising a child, and some are "rulers" while others tend to "pamper" or "teach." The cold, hard reality is that whichever method you use, it's playing a part in your child's perception, whether she copies what you do or heads in the opposite direction. When you take the time to discuss challenging critical thinking skills with your child, you will undoubtedly get results. Those results may not be visible when you request them, but they will emerge. However, instilling this process is not something that happens overnight. Time and patience need to nurture this skill, but it is definitely worth the dedication, not unlike planting a garden have having to wait for the results.
What is the idea my little girl came up with? Her suggestion (which, by the way, costs a heck of a lot less costly than the baubles I've purchased) is simply to have the drawing be a character. In other words, whoever wins the drawing gets to name and give traits to a character in my next "Hazards of Eris" series book. This way they can make up their own character to be a friend of Eris in her story. Not something a typical first grader is likely to consider in my book.
Some parents tell the kids what to do and then start counting. When they hit three, you will not want to be the culprit causing the alarm. The old "Do it now!" doesn't work well until business gets right down to it. The problem with this is that a parent should never have to continuously count to get a reaction from the kids, otherwise they won't do anything but count. Of course, each time they count they become more and more angry until eventually the patience wears excruciatingly thin. By then, the child receives punishment or the parent becomes a liar, senselessly. Either of these equals a bad outcome.
Instead of "laying down the law" children need to feel as if they are guiding their own destinies, and in a sense they truly are! By telling children what they can expect when they are responsible gives them realistic expectations of reward, even if the reward isn't that big of a deal. Something like "Feel free to call you friend as soon as you take out the garbage." You can bet that garbage will be out the door and to the curb before you turn back around, especially when you do this enough times. Just like the former example this becomes a habit for you, but subconsciously the child ends up determining that putting up a fuss is a waste of time. Realization tells them that giving you your way allows them more choices and more time to do things they enjoy.
When you find yourself in a tug-o-war with words you may feel it necessary to remind them of whom they are speaking to, this is bad. "You don't talk to me that way!" is probably something your children should already know. And telling them now won't make that big of an impact. What this will do is cause harsh feelings where the child will either slink away feeling dejected, or the negative energy could mount to epic proportions. Either way, it isn't a good thing.
Something that will undoubtedly work wonders is working together to participate in a cooperative manner. If the child begins to argue, tell him/her you'll be glad to discuss it with them as soon as the arguing stops and voices come down to speaking tones. At this time, you will need to follow the same guidelines as the ones you have set. When the discussion is mutual, you can see each other's standpoint clearly. When you are on the same side of the fence, looking over, it's a lot easier to see the other's position to understand where you each are coming from.
It's clear to see how working together resolves sticky situation faster and stronger than arguing does, and working together will actually increase your bond even more. It's evident that solving an issue is a much faster and stable way than exchanging words or punishments can ever do. So it is true, you can be the good guy and still win the battle!
One mother, homeschooling her child because he has social anxiety and concentration issues, runs into the issue of allowing failure. Online, there are teachers representing different subjects with explanations and assistance, but only a couple of times a day. Staying motivated and focused is an issue for her fifth-grade son.
At first, she sees him performing a hand puppet show in front of the computer while he quietly sings each hand's role in some imaginative skit. Looking at the screen, she deduces he has an assignment in his math book that has yet to start. "What are you doing?" she asks, to which he explains he doesn't understand the concept. Trading him places, she allows him to watch over her shoulder while she works out a couple of problems and then allows him to do the same. It takes a while, but the assignment is complete. Soon, she realizes this is an everyday occurrence. What is the issue? He's learning that reading directions and understanding them is unnecessary because his mother will do that for him every time. We all know that in order to be responsible, understanding the lessons are necessary.
Many times you may use rationalization to help figure out the weight of the consequences, and come up short-handed. This will cause you to continue to steer him/her away from the hurdles this time and come across them when no one is around to help.
Here are some examples you may be familiar with:
• I can't allow him/her outside with a coat! Who gets stuck footing the doctor bill?
• I can't allow him/her to eat so much candy when teeth are not being brushed! Who pays for the dentist?
• If I don't play referee between my child and the teacher, I'll get calls at home for misconduct or he/she may receive a failing grade!
• If I don't interfere in the sibling's argument, I will have to listen to the bickering or worse, someone could actually get hurt!
Parents know that our society has rules which need following and not abiding by them may have serious consequences. However, small choices help prepare your child for the real world. Parents who insist on interfering need to realize there are rules that adults resent also, such as wearing motorcycle helmets or having to wear seatbelts. Granted, it is much safer to do so--no argument there--but does it really need to be law?
In a conversation with a graduating high school student, the young man states an argument he is having with his mother about which school he wants to go to for college. The school he really wants to attend is halfway across the country studying social sciences. His mother doesn't want him to be so far away and explains she'll be paying for his education the rest of her life; it's just too expensive! Besides, in her opinion, social work doesn't pay very well.
As adults, we all know that on the last note, she may be correct; social work isn't typically one of the higher paying jobs. But her son is emerging into adulthood and needs to be responsible for his decisions in his life. Otherwise, he will go to school and pay for an education that someone else thinks he should do. From then on, he can place his failures on the person who forces him to be a doctor, etc. How will that pan out when it comes time for grades? Probably not what his mother had hoped. All the money, and more importantly time, will never have a replacement. Besides, he's eighteen and will be responsible for the costs himself, unless he takes the initiative to research scholarships! The money should NOT be deciding factor for her.
A woman went to school to be a teacher because that is where society told her she would excel! The schools even give a discount for teacher programs, which is an added bonus, and who could think this would be bad? In going to school for four years, picking up on everything quickly and had no problem getting the grades necessary to come out on top. But when she enters the classroom she finds that in helping the children, her hands are tied on so many issues that she hates her job. One of the teachers even approaches her about hugging a child on the playground who is hurt, saying that physical contact may be misconstrued and is therefore forbidden. Not at all the job she wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to doing.
At age forty-six, she is finally returning to school to become what she feels she is made to be, that is a writer. Think of all the time behind her that she could have used if she had attended school toward her chosen career first place. In fact, due to her parents' continual meddling in her life, they decide she is too stubborn and "remove" her from the family. This isn't at all conducive to positive parenting.
In order to be a legitimate parent, you may set the bar and allow your child to know the dreams you have for their success but, in reality everyone is in search of his/her own place. Sharing your own failures may prove to be beneficial, as long as it isn't whining and there's a genuine lesson to learn.
When young people decide to share their dreams with you, there's a sense of trust, as well as a need for approval. Tainting the trust may end up causing a stall, a failing effort, or a complete degree in a field where they have no interest. Stand behind your students and allow them to live and learn. Who knows, perhaps you'll be the one learning in the end, but one thing for sure is that your love will strengthen!
"Where do babies come from?" is a perfect, though used into the dirt, example of awkward questions stemming from a seemingly innocent conversation with a young one. Where that question goes next is even more precarious because the aim's direction comes from the informant. Questioning, yet avoiding, answers may include the stork, God, the mommy, and "I'll tell you when you get older. You don't need to know that now." The reality is if the question arises, the seed is present already. They deserve a responsible answer because they will get one-- if not from you, from someone else willing to deliver.
The difficult portion of this is the child should not need to know scientific terminology to understand the explanation, nor crude language. The conversation should be simply explaining exactly the concern, without additional information until circumstances arise you feel more is necessary. That is, unless other questions arise from the first. Do not be alarmed, but be proud your child is thinking, and feel relief that you have the opportunity to deliver the correct answer.
With the media being ever-present to introduce families to bi-sexuality, medical trauma, violence, and the internet, parents may need to be quick thinkers to pull the explanations off without a hitch. So when you see something that may bring up questions without your child present, pretend the question arises and explain it to yourself in your head or to a friend.
Imagine being a child and discovering a mother has killed her own children. Would you not consider for a moment if your mother might do something so sinister? We'd like to think the answer is "no," because we are loving parents, yet it would be part of the natural thinking process to cross our minds. As adults, we can distinguish between sick people posing as parents and sincerely loving parents. Children only see "parents" and this is where it is confusing to them. This is why it's imperative to keep it as simple as possible and explain the difference between the two, reinforcing your love.
After these types of conversations, always embrace your child, tell them how much they mean to you, and how relieved you are they came to you for the answers. This will ensure they continue to trust and come to you for clear answers.
Because a child makes a choice, a sense of empowerment may be evident, regardless of how large or infinitesimally small the option. Here's an example: A child stalls and uses up time by refusing to put on the clothes laid out for her, over and over again, no matter what is put out. When one outfit goes through the refusal process, the following outfit is also, and so on. One parent may think the tyke needs a spanking and forced to wear the clothing with a frown on her face, causing an ill-beginning to her day, as well as the parent's. But "there's more than one way to skin a cat," and some ways are quicker and cleaner than others are, with no residual negative effects.
Now we come to responsibilities, which is also a choice. We have chores at our house and at first, it was extremely difficult because being single with two kids can be stressful. I cannot imagine having even more children, because quite frankly, having any without a system is insanity for everyone!
I suppose it was partially a sense of guilt, you know, not having two parents around must be hard for them. But how hard is it for me? As tough as I'd like to be, it still doesn't make it necessary. And adding all of the housework and duties doesn't make it any better, for the kids or me. Part of being a parent is teaching the kids to be responsible, not dependent. Otherwise, they'll never be brave enough to do it on their own.
Asking the kids if "they would mind helping" turned into a horrific game of whether they felt the praise of doing the task would outweigh what they were currently involved with. Obviously, a lot more hassle than just doing it myself. Again, they weren't learning anything positive.
Given the choice, the kids finally agreed on the bowl idea, knowing when they neglect their chores for the day they lose a paper of their own drawing. The look on their faces the first time they had to draw their own reward to put it aside for a week was heartbreaking, but necessary. My daughter ran into the room and cried while my son begged for an opportunity to earn it back. I explained that in the real world when an opportunity is neglected it's gone, but the paper will be returned next week. Also, I wouldn't let them see what they drew until Friday when they "cash in." My son was crossing his fingers that it wasn't the dollar, but alas, he was let down. The paper with $1 scribbled on it was indeed, placed into the clear Jolly Roger jar. (If they cheat and peek, they will lose the entire week, so this is a fair gamble it will not happen.)
Our jobs as parents are not to be the police, neither is it our job to be a doormat, but to teach our children and prepare them for the real world with real responsibility. This is a sure-fire way to begin teaching children the value of working for rewards!
The first step of commitment to this is finding ten minutes in the morning (upon rising) and ten minutes at night (just before bed). Designate these few scarce minutes as important and unable to detour, because this is a serious goal. Each morning take out your notebook, that is kept beside the bed, and write four words across the top: Work, Money, Relationships, Myself. Under each word write a short one or two word description of the accomplishment to work on and put it where you will see it at least five times a day. Some examples may include in your car so you see it several times on the way to work, and several times on the way home (at traffic lights, of course!) or perhaps on your desk so that your eyes may wander over it throughout the day. The thing to remember is that our subconscious brains are working without much coaxing. Your brain will see the information and file it without any effort whatsoever, as long as the material is evident.
Before uttering a word, stop. If an outburst arises, the significance of the diminishing situation will change the issue in the child's mind. The child will be paying more attention to the fact the adult is upset, than the situation of tying the shoes, which can impair the ability to think even more. Instead, maintain the relationship of parental controls rather than "jumping on the bandwagon" of frustration.
The first aspect of resolving the situation is in understanding, not what is going on, but what the child perceives is going on. The reason the child is upset may not be what is really happening, but he/she is upset because of the disappointment. The example used earlier of tying shoes is perfect as we think about what is happening; is the child upset because putting shoes on an tying them will take too long, or maybe the whole routine has been forgotten. Perhaps the child is rebelling because of where the intended trip is to, and perhaps there is a valid reason for the stall. Perhaps the child is afraid of disappointing the parent because the process may take awhile, causing additional stress. The point is, whether we agree or not, the child's point of view says there is a valid reason.
This should help explain why children are no longer interested in stories taking place in "Days of Yore." It was not long ago that black people were forced to sit at the rear of the bus and drink from a different fountain, but now we have a black man in office! Why is this so? Because as slow as people can be, we are always learning and hopefully putting these lessons into making the world a better place--as corny as this may sound, it is true. The one major change that will continue to alter outcomes at a rapid pace is technology, and with this knowledge not only comes "power" but also "hazards." Our children today are much more aware of worldly situations than when we were kids.
In the early 80's, (speaking from experience and quite aware individual results vary) teachers possessed a little more power than they do now. Quite often, these "sources of power" had quaint nicknames such as the Enforcer, perhaps even conveniently tattooed across the wooden handle as it dangles on the wall. This was a constant reminder to the students of who was indeed, in control of the classroom. There were seldom any notes written to Johnny's parents, and if a parent received notification, that was a last resort before expulsion.
But the situation is a lot different now. Two years ago, a student who instructed to stay outside until his teacher returned, refused to come in when another teacher, whom he was unfamiliar, came out to gather the class. Because of this "disobedience" he was to remain in the office until the class "holiday" party was over (no longer allowed to be called a Christmas party), the following day. Decidedly, he would have allowance to reconvene with his classmates afterwards. Will this boy remember his punishment for the rest of his life because he did follow directions given by his teacher?
Another child's parents were contacted because a girl told her best friend she had chalk marks on her nose. Her friend had no chalk marks, however. Amused at the futile efforts to remove it, she continued to tease her friend until, exasperated, the victim broke into tears and told the teacher. The parents of the disparaged child called the school to report what happened to their daughter. The principal then spoke to the girl who had taunted her and it was decided they should no longer play together and the friendship was discontinued. No wonder our kids play with so many video games, right? There are no emotions to protect there. The less emotions our children are conditioned to feel, the less they'll have conflict and learn traits of natural critical thinking.
Let's face it, way back when things were a lot different than they are today and the whole Alice in Wonderland deal of "Off with her head!" really meant business! Nowadays, expect several notes and warnings from teachers who have their hands tied and do what they can to try to "nip it in the bud." When kids don't come home with black eyes, but cruel words and threats scribbled on their notebooks, there's the sign--the real sign of danger for a head's up before the Queen of Hearts steps in to finalize the deal. Kids today have a whole new set of "do's and don'ts" and eventually the straw is bound to "break the camel's back." If there are any doubts, consider all of the outbreaks from kids in the past few years.
If kids do not learn to with conflict, who do we find holding the bag when they suddenly have responsibilities?
The bottom line is that children must have a sense of discomfort in knowing something is not correct, so they can learn to make changes. If they are not given attention, instruction, and expectations, as well as kudos and gratitude, they become so confused they will become harmful to others and themselves.
Children's minds are even more powerful because they are thirsting for knowledge--all of them. While it may not always be the lessons that we intend for them to learn, they are still learning what it takes to get by in this great big world of ours. The subconscious learns from the subtle things we hear, see, smell, touch and feel, without consciously prompting it to do so. This is why hypnosis can be useful.
Sandy has a tattoo on her upper arm that she got when she was younger, never believing she would settle down and have children. As her life changed, she now realizes that this is not the example she wants for her children and is having her tattoo removed; however, this is taking several treatments. A light shadow, hardly noticeable, remains on her arm. More than likely no one else would notice it, but she is self-conscious and refuses to wear short sleeves or tank tops because she doesn’t want to instill ideas to her children. Unfortunately, she is instilling ideas subconsciously because neither of her children will wear shirts that show their shoulders and her son refuses to have his upper body bare. Because of the example they've witnessed their entire lives of their mother being well-covered, they've adapted the same comfort.
Keeping in mind that "actions speak louder than words" is extremely important when setting an example for your child. Of course, they will hear what you instruct them to do, but even more they will copy what they see. If a parent smokes or drinks on a regular basis, or commits crimes, anticipate the child following the example. If the child sees the parent attending church on a regular basis, or even doing price comparisons while shopping, the child can have expectations to do the same.
Even the highest paid professionals, such a psychiatrists, are still learning the way the mind works after years upon years of studying. Without having the education ourselves, picking up on the little things they offer us that can help us with our children may end up saving a lot in the long run. The long and short of it? If the children aren't supposed to do it, the adult shouldn't be doing it either.
Read the following statements and recognize why it is wrongly stated:
"Don't come out of that room until it's clean!"
"You are not playing until that homework is done!"
"You have to share."
"Answer me! I can't hear your brains rattle."
"If you won't do dishes, you won't be eating."
"(cursing), what do you expect?"
Not allowing our children to come out of the room until it's clean is just as lazy for the parent as it is for the child. This means we don't have to deal our child for a while, which allows us to put off the responsibility of discipline. Meanwhile, the youngster is coloring, reading, or whatever else to fill the void of responsibility. In the long run, the room never gets clean.
Children not being able to play until homework is complete merely increases their feelings of being lonely and misunderstood. This isn't to say that when there is homework, our children should be playing; it simply means it should not be a punishment.
Trying to explain to a child that they have to share is ridiculous and comes out that way before the last syllable hits the air. No one has to share it's only an option, and unless an "enforcer" is present at all times sharing should never be under duress, stated or otherwise.
Ridiculing or belittling a child is the last thing we want to do when we want respect. Respect and Fear are two different things. We don't want our children to do something because they fear the outcome, but because it's the right thing and the consequences will be just. Besides, having them learn the correct outcome is better because we won't always be there to be a referee.
Ever heard that two wrong actions don't make a right one? If not, perfect time to learn! Punishing a child by not allowing him or her to eat is a cruel and bullying punishment, not parenting. All this does is establish an Alpha hierarchy that the children already know. Besides, what if they never do the dishes? Is the child really going to starve to death, or is the punishment an insincere promise? We know from experience that when we do not follow through, our children become confused, not knowing to trust the outcome. This gives the illusion of possibly being able to get away with it next time, which also makes the action more difficult to manage for parents.
Anything that cannot be printed for a bishop, congressman, or a boss to read should be embarrassing for anyone to hear, especially a child. When we quickly close our eyes and try to remember what we've seen we recall significantly less than what we hear. And when inappropriate language is present for a child to learn, trust they will learn it. They may not use it in front of a parent but guarantee they are using it elsewhere, eventually within earshot of a priest, teacher, neighbor, close friend, etc.
Read the correct response and imagine the outcome:
"Would you rather clean your room tonight or get up an hour earlier until it's done?"
Take some time out of your day to make sure your child understands the homework assignment. Ensure your child knows you are available to help, besides this could be a great review for you.
"You have a large candy bar and she has none, why don't you share? Perhaps she will share with you next time!"
"You should never do something you cannot admit to doing later, even if it was an error. Let's talk about this and figure out a solution together."
"No dishes, no computer or television."
If cursing is an issue, go alone and count to ten (a little time-out for yourself) and say the intended statement to a mirror, anticipating the response you would give if the roles were reversed.
The changes we face as parents is that now we need to learn to give control through choices. If we take those choices away, we are throwing the reigns and may have a difficult time trying to recoup the trust we have worked so hard to acquire in the first place. We all know we cannot retract spoken words, just as we know that hearing the same phrase repeatedly plugs a subconscious message into a person's psyche, be it positive or negative. The best choice we can make as parents is to allow our children to make their own choices and reap the consequences of that choice. These lessons will remain.
