Allow Learning through Failure

Part of teaching your child to think, love, and live is allowing them to make choices, sometimes choices you know are going to be painful. No, this isn't about allowing your child to have an all-night party on a school night with alcohol! But within reason, this is the period where your child learns to deal with consequences.

One mother, homeschooling her child because he has social anxiety and concentration issues, runs into the issue of allowing failure. Online, there are teachers representing different subjects with explanations and assistance, but only a couple of times a day. Staying motivated and focused is an issue for her fifth-grade son.

At first, she sees him performing a hand puppet show in front of the computer while he quietly sings each hand's role in some imaginative skit. Looking at the screen, she deduces he has an assignment in his math book that has yet to start. "What are you doing?" she asks, to which he explains he doesn't understand the concept. Trading him places, she allows him to watch over her shoulder while she works out a couple of problems and then allows him to do the same. It takes a while, but the assignment is complete. Soon, she realizes this is an everyday occurrence. What is the issue? He's learning that reading directions and understanding them is unnecessary because his mother will do that for him every time. We all know that in order to be responsible, understanding the lessons are necessary.

Many times you may use rationalization to help figure out the weight of the consequences, and come up short-handed. This will cause you to continue to steer him/her away from the hurdles this time and come across them when no one is around to help.

Here are some examples you may be familiar with:

• I can't allow him/her outside with a coat! Who gets stuck footing the doctor bill?

• I can't allow him/her to eat so much candy when teeth are not being brushed! Who pays for the dentist?

• If I allow my child to leave the house unattended, who gets stuck searching for him/her?

• If I don't play referee between my child and the teacher, I'll get calls at home for misconduct or he/she may receive a failing grade!

• If I don't interfere in the sibling's argument, I will have to listen to the bickering or worse, someone could actually get hurt!

Parents know that our society has rules which need following and not abiding by them may have serious consequences. However, small choices help prepare your child for the real world. Parents who insist on interfering need to realize there are rules that adults resent also, such as wearing motorcycle helmets or having to wear seatbelts. Granted, it is much safer to do so--no argument there--but does it really need to be law?

In a conversation with a graduating high school student, the young man states an argument he is having with his mother about which school he wants to go to for college. The school he really wants to attend is halfway across the country studying social sciences. His mother doesn't want him to be so far away and explains she'll be paying for his education the rest of her life; it's just too expensive! Besides, in her opinion, social work doesn't pay very well.

As adults, we all know that on the last note, she may be correct; social work isn't typically one of the higher paying jobs. But her son is emerging into adulthood and needs to be responsible for his decisions in his life. Otherwise, he will go to school and pay for an education that someone else thinks he should do. From then on, he can place his failures on the person who forces him to be a doctor, etc. How will that pan out when it comes time for grades? Probably not what his mother had hoped. All the money, and more importantly time, will never have a replacement. Besides, he's eighteen and will be responsible for the costs himself, unless he takes the initiative to research scholarships! The money should NOT be deciding factor for her.

A woman went to school to be a teacher because that is where society told her she would excel! The schools even give a discount for teacher programs, which is an added bonus, and who could think this would be bad? In going to school for four years, picking up on everything quickly and had no problem getting the grades necessary to come out on top. But when she enters the classroom she finds that in helping the children, her hands are tied on so many issues that she hates her job. One of the teachers even approaches her about hugging a child on the playground who is hurt, saying that physical contact may be misconstrued and is therefore forbidden. Not at all the job she wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to doing.

At age forty-six, she is finally returning to school to become what she feels she is made to be, that is a writer. Think of all the time behind her that she could have used if she had attended school toward her chosen career first place. In fact, due to her parents' continual meddling in her life, they decide she is too stubborn and "remove" her from the family. This isn't at all conducive to positive parenting.

In order to be a legitimate parent, you may set the bar and allow your child to know the dreams you have for their success but, in reality everyone is in search of his/her own place. Sharing your own failures may prove to be beneficial, as long as it isn't whining and there's a genuine lesson to learn.

When young people decide to share their dreams with you, there's a sense of trust, as well as a need for approval. Tainting the trust may end up causing a stall, a failing effort, or a complete degree in a field where they have no interest. Stand behind your students and allow them to live and learn. Who knows, perhaps you'll be the one learning in the end, but one thing for sure is that your love will strengthen!

The Dangerous Intersection of Quizzical Minds

As signals at the intersection blink, one may feel safe walking across when the little green man lights up. But that doesn't mean everyone else is obeying the signs, regardless of the obvious directions. We must always be aware of the signs and anything that may go wrong despite them, when it comes to our children's safety. The same thing goes for conversations as they are much longer lasting than lights.

"Where do babies come from?" is a perfect, though used into the dirt, example of awkward questions stemming from a seemingly innocent conversation with a young one. Where that question goes next is even more precarious because the aim's direction comes from the informant. Questioning, yet avoiding, answers may include the stork, God, the mommy, and "I'll tell you when you get older. You don't need to know that now." The reality is if the question arises, the seed is present already. They deserve a responsible answer because they will get one-- if not from you, from someone else willing to deliver.

The difficult portion of this is the child should not need to know scientific terminology to understand the explanation, nor crude language. The conversation should be simply explaining exactly the concern, without additional information until circumstances arise you feel more is necessary. That is, unless other questions arise from the first. Do not be alarmed, but be proud your child is thinking, and feel relief that you have the opportunity to deliver the correct answer.

With the media being ever-present to introduce families to bi-sexuality, medical trauma, violence, and the internet, parents may need to be quick thinkers to pull the explanations off without a hitch. So when you see something that may bring up questions without your child present, pretend the question arises and explain it to yourself in your head or to a friend.

Imagine being a child and discovering a mother has killed her own children. Would you not consider for a moment if your mother might do something so sinister? We'd like to think the answer is "no," because we are loving parents, yet it would be part of the natural thinking process to cross our minds. As adults, we can distinguish between sick people posing as parents and sincerely loving parents. Children only see "parents" and this is where it is confusing to them. This is why it's imperative to keep it as simple as possible and explain the difference between the two, reinforcing your love.

After these types of conversations, always embrace your child, tell them how much they mean to you, and how relieved you are they came to you for the answers. This will ensure they continue to trust and come to you for clear answers.

Inevitably, children eventually come to know "Where babies come from?", "How do gay couples have babies?", "Why did that woman kill her own kids?" etc. Don't you believe you are the best source for the answers? If you don't, you'd better perk up and become prepared, or turn your child's education over to society. Intersections can be extremely dangerous to cross, and it's important to watch the signs!

Teach your Child to Think, Love, and Live by being Responsible

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is to know where to draw the proverbial line. The trickiest part is that when you figure out where one child needs discipline and praise, another comes along with a different outlook. You may as well know that laying down varying rules doesn't work very well. Having children with opposite viewpoints is definitely a challenge!

Being a firm believer in positive reinforcement, because it works when used consistently, it can be deducted that giving choices is the ultimate responsibility, for the parent and the child. What's even better is that a little goes a long, long way.

Because a child makes a choice, a sense of empowerment may be evident, regardless of how large or infinitesimally small the option. Here's an example: A child stalls and uses up time by refusing to put on the clothes laid out for her, over and over again, no matter what is put out. When one outfit goes through the refusal process, the following outfit is also, and so on. One parent may think the tyke needs a spanking and forced to wear the clothing with a frown on her face, causing an ill-beginning to her day, as well as the parent's. But "there's more than one way to skin a cat," and some ways are quicker and cleaner than others are, with no residual negative effects.

Lay out only two outfits and allow her to choose which one she would like to wear before leaving the room. (If you linger, she will have control.) Go about your business allowing her to know when she has changed, she may have breakfast. If she chooses to stall, she will have to begin her day without breakfast. It's imperative you be consistent, packing her to school without eating. Once or twice should be the limit of having to endure this procedure before she realizes the choice only alters her day.

This is the beginning of a new freedom you will have, and a new step in responsibility for your child. You will find that in giving your child choices, the brain doesn't verify if it is an important choice or not, only the respect of wanting input. You can use this procedure for many things if you just let your mind be creative and give your child many choices throughout the day.

Now we come to responsibilities, which is also a choice. We have chores at our house and at first, it was extremely difficult because being single with two kids can be stressful. I cannot imagine having even more children, because quite frankly, having any without a system is insanity for everyone!

I suppose it was partially a sense of guilt, you know, not having two parents around must be hard for them. But how hard is it for me? As tough as I'd like to be, it still doesn't make it necessary. And adding all of the housework and duties doesn't make it any better, for the kids or me. Part of being a parent is teaching the kids to be responsible, not dependent. Otherwise, they'll never be brave enough to do it on their own.

Asking the kids if "they would mind helping" turned into a horrific game of whether they felt the praise of doing the task would outweigh what they were currently involved with. Obviously, a lot more hassle than just doing it myself. Again, they weren't learning anything positive.

Going through what I expect from them each day, I came up with about ten things each one could do on a given day. These projects range from dishes to brushing their teeth, and I wrote them all down. Then I decided to give them two options to choose from, but they had to agree with each other! They could choose to be paid .05 for each task they do, putting half the money into the bank and spending the other half. The second way is the opposite, by beginning with the funds and have them deduced for the chores they don't do! The total of both options ends up being about the same. But then I gave them a reason they would want to do the chores without procrastinating.

You see, Friday night is "Family Night" at our house and so the second option, the deductions happen like this: There are five colorful papers (each child a different color) placed in each Ziploc bowl, lid included, with each child's nickname on the front. (I feel this makes it friendlier.) The five papers inside of the bowls are color-coded for each child, one for each day during the week; two $1 papers, one candy bar, one soda, and one choice of movie. They can spend the money or save it for themselves. We also have a huge jar the kids usually choose to save it in for investing, but that's another chapter!

Given the choice, the kids finally agreed on the bowl idea, knowing when they neglect their chores for the day they lose a paper of their own drawing. The look on their faces the first time they had to draw their own reward to put it aside for a week was heartbreaking, but necessary. My daughter ran into the room and cried while my son begged for an opportunity to earn it back. I explained that in the real world when an opportunity is neglected it's gone, but the paper will be returned next week. Also, I wouldn't let them see what they drew until Friday when they "cash in." My son was crossing his fingers that it wasn't the dollar, but alas, he was let down. The paper with $1 scribbled on it was indeed, placed into the clear Jolly Roger jar. (If they cheat and peek, they will lose the entire week, so this is a fair gamble it will not happen.)

There is also a terrific and free way to follow the paid guidelines, if you decide you don't want to do the bowls. The first plan I described above can be found at www.myjobchart.com. I highly recommend it! I've somewhat combined them by printing off the list and keeping a record of them that way.

Our jobs as parents are not to be the police, neither is it our job to be a doormat, but to teach our children and prepare them for the real world with real responsibility. This is a sure-fire way to begin teaching children the value of working for rewards!

Teach your Child to Think, Love, and Live by Focusing

Many times, we deal with frustration when we see our children picking-up on our own behaviors; behaviors we are not fond of, whether it be cleaning up after ourselves, or getting along with others. We can wipe all of these undesirable deeds from the slate with practice. The issue is which traits do we honestly wish to remove?

The first step of commitment to this is finding ten minutes in the morning (upon rising) and ten minutes at night (just before bed). Designate these few scarce minutes as important and unable to detour, because this is a serious goal. Each morning take out your notebook, that is kept beside the bed, and write four words across the top: Work, Money, Relationships, Myself. Under each word write a short one or two word description of the accomplishment to work on and put it where you will see it at least five times a day. Some examples may include in your car so you see it several times on the way to work, and several times on the way home (at traffic lights, of course!) or perhaps on your desk so that your eyes may wander over it throughout the day. The thing to remember is that our subconscious brains are working without much coaxing. Your brain will see the information and file it without any effort whatsoever, as long as the material is evident.

The first day, work on each of the items on the list and evaluate it at the end of the day, before going to sleep. The following morning, decide which tasks are complete and which need more attention. Disregard the tasks that are complete by placing a line through them, and list a new task for today. If a goal is unable to complete, decide why you were unable to fulfill the deed and allow it to remain on the list for another day. At first, this may seem burdensome, but after doing this for several days, the task will become so identifiable that it's no longer a task, but an aid.

When we have more control of our own surroundings, our children not only see a good example before them, but the impulses of the adult behavior have a more prominent affect. In being able to witness, firsthand, the consequences of said behavior, the child will then follow suit. We are no strangers to hearing about how taking a deep breath and counting to ten (or sometimes twenty) can soothe a savage beast. But is simply knowing enough? Challenging ourselves to do what we know is correct is… well, --smart! Remember, a child is always watching… a child is always learning. What they learn is a parent's responsibility, whenever possible, because they will always remember.

Teach Your Child: Remain Grounded in a Crisis

How many times have parents made sure everyone's shoes are on and they've combed their hair, as they head out the door, just to stop short? Across the room, one child sits in despair with untied shoes sitting next to a pair of socked feet. The parent may say something to the child about needing to hurry when the child says, "I can't."

Before uttering a word, stop. If an outburst arises, the significance of the diminishing situation will change the issue in the child's mind. The child will be paying more attention to the fact the adult is upset, than the situation of tying the shoes, which can impair the ability to think even more. Instead, maintain the relationship of parental controls rather than "jumping on the bandwagon" of frustration.

The first aspect of resolving the situation is in understanding, not what is going on, but what the child perceives is going on. The reason the child is upset may not be what is really happening, but he/she is upset because of the disappointment. The example used earlier of tying shoes is perfect as we think about what is happening; is the child upset because putting shoes on an tying them will take too long, or maybe the whole routine has been forgotten. Perhaps the child is rebelling because of where the intended trip is to, and perhaps there is a valid reason for the stall. Perhaps the child is afraid of disappointing the parent because the process may take awhile, causing additional stress. The point is, whether we agree or not, the child's point of view says there is a valid reason.

More importantly, the child will learn from the example of the parent, by watching how we handle the situation with ease. With the situation handled smoothly, the child will make it to the car and the journey will continue. Now, what could the alternative have been if anger had won and after a bout of screaming and crying the two head to the car, shoes in hand? What is the mood for at least two people, and perhaps more, because of the effects? From every experience in our lives, we learn something, what lesson will we learn for the next time a situation like this arises? And when will the child forget he/she "can't"?

For years, through scientific research, we are aware that between 70-90% of what we communicate to each other is not verbal. It also tells us that those who cannot communicate through an expressed verbal skill, learn to pick up on cues easier than those who can speak. Who is more eager to pick up on these signs than children and babies? The fact they are children leaves the adults to know that because we are setting an example, it is imperative we remain grounded.