Everything's fine and then "Off with her Head!"

"When I was a kid…" How many times have we heard stories begin like this and all of a sudden, our ears automatically hit some cruise control switch? You know, the switch that tells us when to nod or shake our heads, when to lift our eyebrows so we appear interested, even if we aren't? Things are different now than they were then, and everyone knows it.

This should help explain why children are no longer interested in stories taking place in "Days of Yore." It was not long ago that black people were forced to sit at the rear of the bus and drink from a different fountain, but now we have a black man in office! Why is this so? Because as slow as people can be, we are always learning and hopefully putting these lessons into making the world a better place--as corny as this may sound, it is true. The one major change that will continue to alter outcomes at a rapid pace is technology, and with this knowledge not only comes "power" but also "hazards." Our children today are much more aware of worldly situations than when we were kids.

In the early 80's, (speaking from experience and quite aware individual results vary) teachers possessed a little more power than they do now. Quite often, these "sources of power" had quaint nicknames such as the Enforcer, perhaps even conveniently tattooed across the wooden handle as it dangles on the wall. This was a constant reminder to the students of who was indeed, in control of the classroom. There were seldom any notes written to Johnny's parents, and if a parent received notification, that was a last resort before expulsion.

But the situation is a lot different now. Two years ago, a student who instructed to stay outside until his teacher returned, refused to come in when another teacher, whom he was unfamiliar, came out to gather the class. Because of this "disobedience" he was to remain in the office until the class "holiday" party was over (no longer allowed to be called a Christmas party), the following day. Decidedly, he would have allowance to reconvene with his classmates afterwards. Will this boy remember his punishment for the rest of his life because he did follow directions given by his teacher?

Another child's parents were contacted because a girl told her best friend she had chalk marks on her nose. Her friend had no chalk marks, however. Amused at the futile efforts to remove it, she continued to tease her friend until, exasperated, the victim broke into tears and told the teacher. The parents of the disparaged child called the school to report what happened to their daughter. The principal then spoke to the girl who had taunted her and it was decided they should no longer play together and the friendship was discontinued. No wonder our kids play with so many video games, right? There are no emotions to protect there. The less emotions our children are conditioned to feel, the less they'll have conflict and learn traits of natural critical thinking.

Let's face it, way back when things were a lot different than they are today and the whole Alice in Wonderland deal of "Off with her head!" really meant business! Nowadays, expect several notes and warnings from teachers who have their hands tied and do what they can to try to "nip it in the bud." When kids don't come home with black eyes, but cruel words and threats scribbled on their notebooks, there's the sign--the real sign of danger for a head's up before the Queen of Hearts steps in to finalize the deal. Kids today have a whole new set of "do's and don'ts" and eventually the straw is bound to "break the camel's back." If there are any doubts, consider all of the outbreaks from kids in the past few years.

If kids do not learn to with conflict, who do we find holding the bag when they suddenly have responsibilities?

The bottom line is that children must have a sense of discomfort in knowing something is not correct, so they can learn to make changes. If they are not given attention, instruction, and expectations, as well as kudos and gratitude, they become so confused they will become harmful to others and themselves.

Don't do the "No-no"

Doctors are amongst the highest paid professions in the United States today. Their medicinal training is extensive, while the physical and mental training is just as thorough, so they can understand each individual patient. This being the case, a placebo is sometimes the treatment and it actually works. Our minds are powerful things.

Children's minds are even more powerful because they are thirsting for knowledge--all of them. While it may not always be the lessons that we intend for them to learn, they are still learning what it takes to get by in this great big world of ours. The subconscious learns from the subtle things we hear, see, smell, touch and feel, without consciously prompting it to do so. This is why hypnosis can be useful.

Sandy has a tattoo on her upper arm that she got when she was younger, never believing she would settle down and have children. As her life changed, she now realizes that this is not the example she wants for her children and is having her tattoo removed; however, this is taking several treatments. A light shadow, hardly noticeable, remains on her arm. More than likely no one else would notice it, but she is self-conscious and refuses to wear short sleeves or tank tops because she doesn’t want to instill ideas to her children. Unfortunately, she is instilling ideas subconsciously because neither of her children will wear shirts that show their shoulders and her son refuses to have his upper body bare. Because of the example they've witnessed their entire lives of their mother being well-covered, they've adapted the same comfort.

Keeping in mind that "actions speak louder than words" is extremely important when setting an example for your child. Of course, they will hear what you instruct them to do, but even more they will copy what they see. If a parent smokes or drinks on a regular basis, or commits crimes, anticipate the child following the example. If the child sees the parent attending church on a regular basis, or even doing price comparisons while shopping, the child can have expectations to do the same.

Even the highest paid professionals, such a psychiatrists, are still learning the way the mind works after years upon years of studying. Without having the education ourselves, picking up on the little things they offer us that can help us with our children may end up saving a lot in the long run. The long and short of it? If the children aren't supposed to do it, the adult shouldn't be doing it either.

Punishment or Discipline?

Growing up, many of us learn to do what a parent suggests or pay the consequences. While this did work for most in the days of yore, the consequences were easier to enforce "way back when" because like it or not, today's generation is different. Because the situation changes, the way to handle it also needs to change. The typical parent has less time to spend with the children, but this doesn't mean parents have no control, it just means we need to get it differently.

Punishment Seldom Works

Read the following statements and recognize why it is wrongly stated:

 "Don't come out of that room until it's clean!"
 "You are not playing until that homework is done!"
 "You have to share."
 "Answer me! I can't hear your brains rattle."
 "If you won't do dishes, you won't be eating."
 "(cursing), what do you expect?"

Not allowing our children to come out of the room until it's clean is just as lazy for the parent as it is for the child. This means we don't have to deal our child for a while, which allows us to put off the responsibility of discipline. Meanwhile, the youngster is coloring, reading, or whatever else to fill the void of responsibility. In the long run, the room never gets clean.

Children not being able to play until homework is complete merely increases their feelings of being lonely and misunderstood. This isn't to say that when there is homework, our children should be playing; it simply means it should not be a punishment.

Trying to explain to a child that they have to share is ridiculous and comes out that way before the last syllable hits the air. No one has to share it's only an option, and unless an "enforcer" is present at all times sharing should never be under duress, stated or otherwise.

Ridiculing or belittling a child is the last thing we want to do when we want respect. Respect and Fear are two different things. We don't want our children to do something because they fear the outcome, but because it's the right thing and the consequences will be just. Besides, having them learn the correct outcome is better because we won't always be there to be a referee.

Ever heard that two wrong actions don't make a right one? If not, perfect time to learn! Punishing a child by not allowing him or her to eat is a cruel and bullying punishment, not parenting. All this does is establish an Alpha hierarchy that the children already know. Besides, what if they never do the dishes? Is the child really going to starve to death, or is the punishment an insincere promise? We know from experience that when we do not follow through, our children become confused, not knowing to trust the outcome. This gives the illusion of possibly being able to get away with it next time, which also makes the action more difficult to manage for parents.

Anything that cannot be printed for a bishop, congressman, or a boss to read should be embarrassing for anyone to hear, especially a child. When we quickly close our eyes and try to remember what we've seen we recall significantly less than what we hear. And when inappropriate language is present for a child to learn, trust they will learn it. They may not use it in front of a parent but guarantee they are using it elsewhere, eventually within earshot of a priest, teacher, neighbor, close friend, etc.

Discipline that does Work

Read the correct response and imagine the outcome:

 "Would you rather clean your room tonight or get up an hour earlier until it's done?"
 Take some time out of your day to make sure your child understands the homework assignment. Ensure your child knows you are available to help, besides this could be a great review for you.
 "You have a large candy bar and she has none, why don't you share? Perhaps she will share with you next time!"
 "You should never do something you cannot admit to doing later, even if it was an error. Let's talk about this and figure out a solution together."
 "No dishes, no computer or television."
 If cursing is an issue, go alone and count to ten (a little time-out for yourself) and say the intended statement to a mirror, anticipating the response you would give if the roles were reversed.

The changes we face as parents is that now we need to learn to give control through choices. If we take those choices away, we are throwing the reigns and may have a difficult time trying to recoup the trust we have worked so hard to acquire in the first place. We all know we cannot retract spoken words, just as we know that hearing the same phrase repeatedly plugs a subconscious message into a person's psyche, be it positive or negative. The best choice we can make as parents is to allow our children to make their own choices and reap the consequences of that choice. These lessons will remain.